I've started biting my nails again. I know it's a bad habit and, since I work with children, a sure-fire way of catching a cold, flu, virus, or flesh eating disease, but I can't help it. My nerves are getting the best of me. This trip has me jittery. Last Sunday, when I had a moment to think for a second and count the number of days left until I leave in July, it hit me- I'm going. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered, I started to perspire, and my appetite went away.
I'm going. I am really going to a strange continent all by myself to do something that I am (on my best of days) only slightly skilled at. A year in the making, plans are still barely starting to come together, and I'm afraid that I am running out of time. Between now and July 6th, there's just enough time to move out of my house, throw some stuff in a bag, jump on a miracle, and pray for a plane....
I mean, jump on a plane, and pray for a miracle.
Which reminds me of another nervous twitch. I've started stuttering and messing up my phrases. I called a t-shirt a 'teacher', and repeatedly called Shelby (my student) Sydni. I can't seem to keep dates, times, important obligations, or appointments straight either, and I'm pretty sure I called my dog 'mom' the other day.
Along with nail biting, and stuttering, I've just recently started tugging on my left earlobe when I am worried (seriously)...especially in the car. I find my hand pulling on the fat part of my ear whenever my thoughts turn to 'how ON EARTH is this going to work!?"
I would like to say that I am fully confident that this trip is going to be a gigantic success and that it will all come together seamlessly....but I can't. I don't have the comforting guarantee that I won't fall flat on my face. I only know that God has brought me this far and He will bring me the rest of the way, wherever that is. If I do fall flat on my face, He'll pick me up and dust me off.
In the meantime, maybe He'll help me get over some of these nervous ticks becuase Europeans are going to be pretty freaked out by a nail biting, stuttering, earlobe-tugging American...even if I am an artist.
You would FIT RIGHT IN!! Europe is the home of tics, twitches, nailbiters, and other misfits.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, you are not one of the "cold and timid souls who know not victory nor defeat." Hang in.
You are going to be brilliant over there! Absolutely brilliant!! And the rest of us will be here awing at your gall and sense of adventure and pure TALENT...knock off that slightly skilled at!! NO WAY!! Love you, you are amazing!!
ReplyDeleteLuckily you don't have to do it all in one day. When I was on the fire crew I would get really nervous about stuff like my hiking abilities or the old injuries that might flare up. But this motto got me through some pretty tough moments of self doubt. "One step at a time, just one foot in front of the other." It makes you realize that you only have to deal with the stuff thats affecting you at that moment, and that the future is only going to come at you in measured moments that you can deal with "one step at a time". Love you and remember that we're all jealous ok? =)
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