Change and All

There's nothing like watermelon gum to make me feel like I'm seven years old again. It gives me that refreshed, youthful feeling- the same one I get when I eat cotton candy or stick my hand out the passenger window a moving car. The other day, I went to the local gas station and purchased an over priced pack of Extra 'Sweet Watermelon' gum just to taste the familiar sweet tang of its artificial flavoring. Some things in life never change for me- like the watermelon/ seven year old feeling, the steady support of my loving parents, and the fact that I still love to swing on a swing set. And then, there are plenty of changes in life that happen- whether I ready for them or not.

A major disturbance in my (then) constant, mostly uneventful life happened two summers ago when my marriage crumbled. Like a Saltine smashed under an angry fist, my relationship with Matt shattered into a million little shards. Almost exactly two years ago, on one late August afternoon, I moved out of our little yellow house and faced my first real dose of shocking change.

Struggling to cling to stability, I reached out for something familiar. I cringe as I think back at that time two years ago when I desperately pursued people and habits in a last-ditch effort to super-glue my broken insides back together. Such acts resulted in marring my reputation and demonstrating to everyone around me that my happy life of constants wasn't so constant or happy anymore.

A lot changed that year. I moved five times, gained and lost several close friendships, and let go of the dreams a girl has when she gets married- dreams of children, houses, and growing old together. I remember sitting on the floor of my apartment living room, hugging my dog and sobbing as I realized the life I had spent four years maintaining had irreversibly changed forever and she was the only one from my married life that still wanted to be in the same room with me.

Some good changes happened that year too. With the help of weekly counseling sessions, and by the grace of God, my heart slowly come back together in a new, better way. Like a house being renovated, I could feel my insides turning, twisting, and growing in a way that made me into a better human being, a better friend, a better daughter, and a better potential future spouse.

Two years ago in August, I moved out and left my marriage. One year ago in August, the divorce was finalized. This year in August, I begin changing my last name. I am slowly, deliberately beginning the long task of changing my last name back to the way it was before I got married. I do not do this lightly, I do it with a sense of respect for my ex in-laws who no longer see me as part of their family and as respect for my ex-husband's new girlfriend. I know that there is only a limited amount of room for Byrds here and my time as one is over.

My decision to take back 'Abell' is just another necessary step in the healing process. As I reclaim my old last name and practice saying it aloud, I experience that same youthful feeling that the taste of watermelon gum gives me. I'm refreshed and ready for whatever is next- change and all.