Last night, I stumbled across some news that stopped me in my tracks. I was doing my evening cruise through Facebook to catch up on the latest from back home when I noticed a little heart shaped indicator on my screen annoucning that my ex husband is now engaged to be married. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but I admit that it did. My stomach dropped. The feelings I had were unidentifyable- it wasn't jealousy, it wasn't anger or bitterness but more like a slight mixture of sadness and confusion. Just when I think that the last part of me stopped hurting and stopped caring, I find residual emotions that reveal themeselves over time- last night was one of those instances.
Finding these tender spots inside is kind of like picking up glass off the floor after you've dropped a mug: you pick up the large pieces first, and then you sweep with the hand-broom. Even after those two steps, a person still finds little shards here and there- under the toe space, next to the door. A person never gets it all at once, and somtimes even hours, or days afterwards, you might find one or two little pieces glinting in the light.
I found a little glinting piece of tenderness last night.
I layed in bed for what seemed like forever, just staring at the celing, thinking and wrestling with conflicting emotions,. With the seconds and minutes ticking steadily by, my brain tried to make sense of everything that has happened these past several years with Matt. Like any sort of complicated situation, however, it's not easy to wrap everything up in a nice little package and put it on a shelf along with the rest of life's biggest scenarios. Life is not simple though, it is not sterile- it is often complicated and messy.
It is a rare author that can write with such transparency; we all benefit from it. As our friend Bev used to say: "This, too, shall pass."
ReplyDeleteBaker here...there is a master plan. Be well!
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